It’s been a billion degrees for the last month and now it’s raining so of course, the 8-legged population of the North West thinks it can stroll into my living room.
Absolutely cannot cope with spiders. August has been mega hot here, like silly hot. I’ve had a better tan sitting on the front doorstep watching the kids play than after 2 weeks in Benidorm. Silly hot. Then the inevitable happened. The heavens opened and to quote my Geordie dad, it ‘stotted down’, prompting the biggest house spider I’ve ever seen to come racing into the living room at 9:45pm.
It stopped just short of my feet and froze at the sound of me shouting ‘SHHHITTTTTT’. You can scroll, there’s no spider pics here.
Luckily, my eldest daughter bought me a beautiful coffee table book last Christmas. It’s the bright pink Kate Spade book, ‘Things We Love’. It’s packed full of lovely things and it weighs a tonne which is the only way I’m able to still write this blog. It was dropped from a great height and a sense of calm was restored. The other outcome was spending the evening with a giant arachnid who clearly had plans to hop up, watch a bit of Netflix and chill – before devouring me, not in a good way.
I’m not scared of many things as proven here, but I am terrified of spiders. I don’t mind the small ones, just minding their business. It’s the big bastards, full of bravado who’re like ‘what are you doing in my house?’. I once sacrificed my three-year-old son in the hallway to see where a massive house spider had gone. Unfortunately for all involved, it was above the door he had to pass through to get back into the bedroom. Much screaming ensued and now he’s also scared shitless. My parenting bad.
I love Autumn but sod the soggy spider invasion. Invest in coffee table books now and save yourself!
God bless Kate Spade.